Say their child’s name, say you are sorry, and say you will be there — then stop. The most common mistake is not silence; it is explanation. Job’s friends did the first part perfectly for a week and then destroyed it by trying to make sense of his loss for him.
If you have been avoiding a grieving parent because you do not know what to say, this is the answer: you are not expected to have anything that helps. Presence is the whole assignment.
What did Job’s friends get right?
So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.
Job 2:13 (WEB)
Seven days on the ground, in silence. That is the model, and it is the last thing they do well. Everything that follows in the book is them talking, and at the end God tells them they have spoken wrongly.
The instruction elsewhere is equally simple.
Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15 (WEB)
Weep with. Not explain to, not encourage, not reframe.
Proverbs is blunt about cheerfulness aimed at someone in grief.
As one who takes away a garment in cold weather, or vinegar on soda, so is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
Proverbs 25:20 (WEB)
Taking a coat off someone in the cold. That is what a well-meant bright comment does.
What to actually say
“I am so sorry. I loved [name].” Use the child’s name. Bereaved parents almost universally report that hearing the name is a relief and that the silence around it is one of the hardest parts.
“I don’t have words.” Honest, and far better than filling the space. It also does not ask them to manage your discomfort.
“Tell me about them.” Not everyone will want to, but many are desperate for permission and never get asked.
“I’m coming Tuesday with dinner. I’ll leave it on the porch if you’re not up to seeing me.” Specific, with an exit built in. It removes the need to decide anything.
“I’m still here” — six months later. Support collapses after about three weeks, which is roughly when the shock wears off and it gets harder. A message on the anniversary or the birthday matters more than anything you say in week one.
What not to say
These all come from kindness, and they all land badly.
God needed another angel. Everything happens for a reason. At least you have other children. At least it was quick. They’re in a better place. I know how you feel. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Let me know if you need anything.
Two notes on that list. Anything starting with at least is an argument that the loss is smaller than it is. And let me know if you need anything transfers the work to the person least able to do it — replace it with a specific offer they can decline.
On the theological ones: even where a statement is true, a grieving parent in the first weeks is not in a position to receive it as comfort, and offering it usually meets the speaker’s need for the situation to make sense rather than theirs.
What to do instead of talking
Bring food that requires no dish returned. Mow the lawn. Take siblings for an afternoon. Handle a phone call they are dreading. Sit in the room without requiring conversation. Show up at the funeral and again a month later.
When one member suffers, all the members suffer with it. Or when one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.
1 Corinthians 12:26 (WEB)
Suffering with is described as the normal function of the body, not a special gift some people have.
If you already said the wrong thing
Most people have. Go back and say so plainly: “I said something clumsy and I have thought about it since. I am sorry. I am still here.”
That repair is almost always received well, and it is far better than disappearing out of embarrassment — which is what usually happens and which the family experiences as one more loss.
The thing to hold onto
You cannot fix this and nobody expects you to. The friends who are remembered years later are not the ones who found the right words. They are the ones who kept turning up after everyone else had gone back to normal.
Seven days on the ground, saying nothing. That part they got right.